Facing the reality

The first baby I helped taking care of is now in college. It was when I was 13 years old. That was my mom’s friend’s first baby. She was a new mom and she lost her husband when the baby was only 45 days old. Sad, huh? I volunteered to take care of the baby while she was grieving. At first, they were all worried that I weren’t capable since I had no experience. But I just nailed it. No one needed to tell me what to do. I just somehow knew how to do diaper duty, feeding…etc. It was my natural skill. I started teaching kids since I was in college. Most people was wild and had a great time in college. Me? I tutored after school. Not because I need to make money for a living. I did it for the one and only reason -  I love kids! After that, I opened an English Language School. It was a great success. All the kids and their parents felt my passion. I’d often host a stay-over in our school on the weekends with no charge. Since I’m going to miss the kids if I don’t see them on the weekends anyway. It was a tough decision when I had to sell my school to move to the states with my lovely hubby. 

My husband and I have been actively trying to get pregnant for at least 3 years now. For the past two years or so, we tried IUI for 9 times and nothing happened. The doctor said that I have no problem, but my husband has lower sperm counts and sperm motility problem. But nothing serious enough to cause infertility. It’s just probably going to take longer to conceive. Having a baby is a dream of mine since I was 15. I know it’s weird. Not many people want to get pregnant at their teens. But I felt like this is why I was born. Born to love babies, children. Born to be a mom. So, I refuse to believe that we’d have infertility problems.

But since I am only growing older each day, each month, each cycle, I have to set a deadline for myself to start IVF before my ovary is to old for that and when my chance is still high.  We decided that this November cycle is going to be our last shot before we go into IVF. To maximumize the chance, we did an IUI. Sigh… Unfortunately, my period came today. If there’s anything I’m really good at, it’s Not Missing Even One Single Period. So frustrated! 

However, it just forced me to face the reality, accept that we do have some kind of infertility problem. I picked up the phone and called SRM (the infertility clinic we go to). Our nurse didn’t pick up the phone, so I had to leave a message. I just couldn’t help crying, sobbing while I was leaving the message. Very embarrassing, I know.  But I couldn’t care less.